The Purple Tux
With just enough education to perform.Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Slow Disconnect
Phone lines screech with static. White noise covers up parts of conversations. Chunks of meaning barely make it past the connection. Frustration is the primary color. There aren't any other shades. You can't "reach out and touch faith" because Depeche Mode was far more popular in the '80s. Little pittances of love just don't mean much.
It starts out with flesh and bone, right by the telephone. The rotary twirls obediently as you dial the number. The other line picks up. It starts out clear, but as time ebbs, the tunnel gets deeper and deeper. It's a gradual slide into loneliness. Pretty soon, you can't hear anything on the other line, except a tiny little voice that repeats, "And don't bother redialing."
Just ignore that little voice. There's no harm in reestablishing contact. Go for the gusto. The only problem is that the number has changed and all of the phone books have been rewritten. Shame and relief mingle. With isolation, celebration, but you still feel dirty. Debts aren't forgotten, merely postponed. Nobody else cares.
Find a new outlet. That old receiver doesn't work any longer. Change your number and change your mind. Just don't bother redialing. You have, after all, been disconnected.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Bill Waltonisms
"Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from from anybody- from any planet!"
-During a meaningless mid-season Clippers' game
"Eric Piatkowski makes perhaps the greatest defensive play in Clipper history!"
-After a routine steal of a pass
"Why would the Pacers ever double-team Larry Johnson? He wants to be double-teamed so he can pass. Why is Indiana double-teaming a man who only scores eight points a game?"
-During the 1999 Eastern Conference Finals
"Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game."
-On Patrick Ewing after Ewing was past his prime
"Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out. The vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit... He has it all."
-During a Lakers/Blazers game
"That's why he's the MVP."
-On last season's MVP
Tom Tolbert: Boy, Malik Rose is really working hard out there against Shaq.
The Big Redhead: That's true, Tom, but remember, never mistake activity for achievement.
BW: That's a terrible defensive effort by Robert Horry. He didn't even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score.
Steve "Snapper" Jones: Well, what do you expect? Earlier you said that Wallace could be one of the best players in the game, and now you want Robert Horry to guard him one-on-one?
BW: No, I said that Rasheed could be the best player in the game.
BW: John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!
Tom Hammond: Wow, that's a pretty strong statement. I guess I don't have a good handle on world history.
BW: Well, Tom, that's because you didn't go to UCLA.
BW: That's not a foul. That was a BEAUTIFUL block!
Mike Breen: Yeah, that was definitely a foul. Antonio Davis clearly came down and made contact.
BW: You're a guard.
"The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38!"
"He's everywhere! Rebounds, assists... Shawn Bradley is looking like Hakeem Olajuwon!"
"If Anthony Johnson ever gets a jumper, who's going to stop him?"
"Where would the Clippers be without Sean Rooks?"
"Is there a better shot blocker than Vlade Divac?"
"Rasheed Wallace is putting his fingers over his lips to silence the crowd... Like he actually brought his game tonight to tell them to be quiet!"
"I think there's a pretty good chance Rasheed Wallace will set the mark for most technicals fouls tonight. Will they stop the game and present him with the ball?"
"A beautiful pass by Tony Parker! ...Off the front of the rim."
"What was he thinking? Was he thinking anything at all?"
"The art of tossing up the jump ball has really declined. These officials need to spend more time practicing in the off-season."
"With the shot clock running, nowhere to go, and the game on the line, Mark Madsen, the GENIUS from Stanford, knows that the only way to reset the offense is to clank it off back iron and have it ricochet off Tim Duncan's head and go out of bounds. A brilliant play by the genius from Stanford!"
"Shaq makes everyone else in the league look like Michelle Tafoya."
"Piatkowski is killing Szcerbiak. Oh, what a Scrabble game that would be!"
"Karl Malone has spent more time in a gym than Corey Magette has been alive."
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Another Sad/Happy/Sad Anecdote
A couple days ago, those eleven year-old girls attacked my pride once again. I was helping a table of them with some homework when one of them asked me if I'd gotten a girlfriend yet since the last time they'd asked me. I briefly considered lying, but realized that I still had my pride so I told them I was still single. They kind of giggled at me the way that little girls do when they think they're teasing a person who doesn't realize he's the object of ridicule.
One of the girls asked me if I was twenty-one yet. I said I was, and this brought on a deluge of questions from the other three girls at the table. Because I said I was twenty-one, a girl asked if I could go to clubs. Sensing the direction of their questioning, I still replied that I could indeed go to clubs if I so desired.
"Yeah, but DO you go to clubs?" Man, those girls are sharp. I was hoping they would just leave it alone after the first query.
"Nah, not really," I admitted. I knew what they were getting at with their line of questioning, but I really saw no purpose in fibbing to little fifth grade girls. I'm a man, so I knew I could take it.
"Why don't you go to clubs?"
"Because it's just not really my thing, that's all."
"Why isn't it your thing?"
"It just isn't."
"But you don't have a girlfriend?"
"Er. No."
"And you don't go to clubs?"
"Naw."
"I know why Andrew doesn't go to clubs!"
"Oh yeah? Why?"
"It's because... Wait. I shouldn't say, because it'd be ruuuude."
"Ah, you can say it. I can take it. Just tell me."
"Um, okay. It's because... Andrew's SQUARE!"
Square?! Youch. I might've been a little crestfallen, but I doubt it showed on my face.
"You think I'm square? That's mean," I said.
"I know, that's why I told you it was rude."
But the other girls chimed in, "He's square!" and giggled like the silly little schoolgirls they were.
Dammit, I thought. Mocked by the little girls once again. But I didn't have to let them have the last laugh!
I waited for their giggling to peter out, and then I glared at all four of them. I gave them my evil eye, and they all became silent and attentive to me.
"You know," I snarled, my voice a combination of ferocious growl and controlled whisper, "with that attitude, all of you are going to be single when you get to my age." I then proceeded to laugh monstrously. The girls' eyes were wider than Xboxes and one of them, evidently startled by my outburst of supposed "meanness" began to tear up. I laughed harder and harder.
The End.
