The Purple Tux
With just enough education to perform.Sunday, May 16, 2004
I just got back from the Spring Retreat. It was good times, and we even got to play some basketball. I should probably take a shower right now, because I am stinkin' nasty. Heck, I should probably take a dump while I'm at it.
This was a good weekend. It wasn't life-changing or too intense or anything like that, but it brought me back to my roots. Looking back on the school year and just reflecting on my experiences helped me remember how much I suck. I mean, there's just so much I could have and SHOULD have done better in terms of serving the ministry and such. There were many times this year that I felt like I was just the absolute worst- a hypocrite to the nth degree, a jackass (usually intentionally), a lazy servant, and a poor steward. To put it bluntly, I felt like absolute shit.
I've never had the courage to really confess to anyone how crappy I've felt. Even when people asked me how I was doing, I would often tell them I was "decent," or if I did tell them how I felt, I would downplay my feelings. I felt as if no one could possibly understand the PMS-like moodswings I kept going through.
Even when I take my mask off, I'm still wearing a mask.
The fact is, even now I don't know if I have the courage to talk to anyone, even my closest friends about my true feelings. I've never been good at articulating my deep emotional feelings out loud, and I usually don't even like to. I prefer to speak with my actions. That's one reason why I love to write- this just comes more naturally to me. I don't mean to be all melodramatic and stuff by posting something somewhat personal, but for me, writing is sometimes cathartic. True, I don't have to post this crap on the Internet, but maybe some people, in their moments of boredom, might want read this junk about me. Perhaps it'll partly explain my behavior and feelings over the past few months; perhaps it'll simply come off reading like every other teeny bopper's xanga or livejournal. If so, that's only a testament to my lackluster writing skills. I'm not going to go out of my way to tell people I made a new post or whatnot; whoever reads this will read this.
That said (in a somewhat defensive tone, I realize, but you have to remember, this is the Internet and I still have to uphold my reputation for being a "rebel" and not one the sheep), this weekend was also a cathartic experience for me. Saturday evening in particular provided me with a great morale boost.
The story thus far:
I'd been having a fun time at the retreat and stuff, but during my quieter moments of contemplation, all I could think of was how crappy I was compared to everyone else around me. It seemed as though everyone else around me was just filled with the Holy Spirit and just all about worshipping God, and I would just sit somewhere by myself with my favorite scowl and brood over how much I didn't deserve to be surrounded with such people. When everyone else was feeling good and happy, I had a hard time accepting that attitude for myself, because I knew I didn't deserve any happiness.
I'm a person who gets angry very easily. It doesn't take much to set me off. Most of the past few months, though, I simply let my anger and all my hate and all my rage build up within myself. At best, I could suppress these feelings for days at a time and kick back, chill, and totally enjoy the company of my friends. At worst, I allowed my pent up rage to manifest itself in my actions, and I was rude and cold and hurtful to the people I'd consider among my top favorite people on Earth, this wretched mudball.
All my pent up rage, along with my feelings of incompetence and hypocrisy, had become a huge burden upon my soul over the past few weeks, even if I didn't recognize this fact until just very recently. There were times when I wanted to scream, to hurt someone, or fight someone (even my friends) who would hurt me. I just wanted a moment to expend my energy and release all my suppressed emotions.
Then:
Saturday night, everyone at the retreat got together and we had a chance to celebrate all the awesome and great things God has done this year. It occurred to me then that I didn't have anything to celebrate. I felt like I failed. Stuff like being a part of Epic and leading a Small Group- the whole year, I felt completely unworthy of being expected to participate in a ministry for which I had very little motivation or heart to be a part of. I felt like something was hideously wrong with me, because God gave me an opportunity to serve him, and even though it was in something I didn't really want to be a part of, I could only look on the dark side of things, and not the positives. This I knew from the very beginning, and I constantly struggled to adapt this head knowledge into a form of applicable wisdom, but I never succeeded. When I failed in this, that was when I realized I had a problem, but instead of confronting my problem, I ignored it and dealt with it by occasionally bitching to others about it.
So, like I said before my digression, Saturday night, everyone had a chance to celebrate and praise God for all of the things that happened this year. We also had a chance to tell each other specifically how others had been blessings to us. It was during this time that I actually felt truly encouraged for the first time all year. It finally hit me that what's happened has happened, but God can still churn out something good despite my failures and inadequacies.
The bottom line was, I didn't really have anything to be frustrated or angry with, not even myself, even though throughout my crappy year (or so I'd been thinking during the year) the person I hated the most was myself.
Saturday night, when my friends told me what they thought of me, for some reason, I no longer felt weak and ashamed. It was as though a heavy veil had been lifted off from me. It was like finally mastering Iron Man's infinite combo in MvC2- something so simple, and when you finally get it down, you wonder why it took so long to figure it out in the first place.
Essentially, from an analytical viewpoint, my fellow students' affirmations of not only myself, but of each other, simply revealed again to me God's abundant grace. However, the feeling I had in the room was indescribable, but I can only say that I swear I felt God's mighty hand finally destroy Sagat's damn crouching fierce punch, which had been dominating me for months. It wasn't merely an emotional experience, but a spiritual one, and I know this to be true because my emotions, which had been killing me for so long, were finally unburdened. I felt so free. The freedom I felt and feel in Christ is just too good. The love was seriously palpable in the room- Not only God's love for us, but our love for each other. (I don't think I've felt that way since I was on Project. Even though I didn't know everyone that well, there's just that feeling of closeness. That's what fellowship is all about, letting God bring people together.)
I was pretty much speechless. Like I said earlier, I'm not good at articulating my feelings when I'm on the spot. Even now, I don't really know what else I can write about the experience, so I suppose if I haven't effectively conveyed the enormity of the night's impact on me, I'll never be able to do so. Re-read my analogy with the Iron Man infinite again- I think that sums up my entire point, actually.
Now:
I am renewed. I am refreshed. I can't guarantee I'll be smiling the next time you see me, but remember, not everyone expresses joy with a smile.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
More great quotes from V For Vendetta.
"It was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? . . . It's all we have left in this place. It's the very last inch of us. But within that inch, we are free. It is strange that my life should end in such a terrible place. . . I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish."
-Valerie
"I know every inch of this cell. This cell knows every inch of me. Except one."
-Eve
"Did you think to kill me? There's no flesh or blood within this cloak to kill. there's only an idea. Ideas are bulletproof."
-V
Monday, May 10, 2004
"I heard of an experiment once, one that Americans did. They had volunteers working a shock generator. The volunteers were told that it was wired to a patient in an adjoining room.
"It wasn't. There was only an actor, whose voice could be heard through the intercom. The volunteers were instructed by a doctor to start administering electric shocks. They were told to gradually increase the voltage. The 'victim' began begging them to stop. They were told to increase it again. This time the victim started screaming.
"After a while the screams were choked off to be replaced by silence. The volunteers were told to increase the volume once more... Nearly 80% of those tested carried on administering electric shocks after the 'victim' begged them to stop. Nearly 60% continued even after they believed that they'd killed him.
"They were ordinary people, and they were prepared to torture a stranger to death just because they were told to by someone in authority. Some of them said they'd even enjoyed it...
"People are stupid and evil. There's something wrong with us... Some hideous flaw...
"We deserve to be culled. We deserve it."
-Dr. Delia Surridge in V For Vendetta, by Alan Moore
Food for thought.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Oh yeah, and that music update will come.... One of these days.
An excerpt of one of the best conversations with one of my main men Killa Kim.
SlashRonin (1:44:13 AM): I'm not a fan of France
jkreepa85 (1:44:47 AM): me neither
jkreepa85 (1:45:05 AM): they are soooooooooooooogay
SlashRonin (1:45:15 AM): Damn Frenchies
SlashRonin (1:45:20 AM): Cowards
SlashRonin (1:45:28 AM): Always surrendering in war
jkreepa85 (1:45:30 AM): hahaha
jkreepa85 (1:45:36 AM): and gettin rocked by germans
jkreepa85 (1:45:37 AM): hahaha
SlashRonin (1:45:54 AM): And even when we rescue their flamin' asses, they're just total ingrates
jkreepa85 (1:47:08 AM): hahahah
jkreepa85 (1:47:20 AM): then they sell weapons to the Iraqies
Auto response from SlashRonin (1:47:20 AM): "I'm not fond of anyone who makes ingratitude a point of national pride. Then again, they're not so much a nation as an unwashed rabble, glued together by an overabundance of cheeses."
-Bigby Wolf, in regards to France and French people [from Fables #22, written by Bill Willingham]
jkreepa85 (1:47:21 AM): jajaja
SlashRonin (1:47:29 AM): Yup
SlashRonin (1:47:47 AM): And the flamin' Frenchies were too scared to support us in our war against terror
jkreepa85 (1:47:52 AM): hahahahaah
jkreepa85 (1:47:55 AM): yeah
SlashRonin (1:47:55 AM): It's because they're so used to being terrorized
SlashRonin (1:48:02 AM): Because the smallest thing scares those damn cowards
jkreepa85 (1:48:29 AM): hahahaha
jkreepa85 (1:48:46 AM): like higher gas prices
SlashRonin (1:49:03 AM): And Middle Easterners
SlashRonin (1:49:09 AM): Just the thought of them scares the French
jkreepa85 (1:49:20 AM): hahaha
jkreepa85 (1:49:24 AM): and the Argentenians
SlashRonin (1:49:54 AM): Most countries attitudes are, "Don't want none, don't start none." France is, "Don't want none, but if you start some, we'll be your bitches."
jkreepa85 (1:49:58 AM): they sold exocet missiles to teh Argentinians during hte falklans
jkreepa85 (1:50:06 AM): hahahaaha
jkreepa85 (1:50:07 AM): yeah
jkreepa85 (1:50:08 AM): hahahah
SlashRonin (1:50:13 AM): Stupid France
SlashRonin (1:50:22 AM): Best thing ever from France was the Lousiana Purchase
jkreepa85 (1:50:30 AM): and french toast
jkreepa85 (1:50:33 AM): and fries
SlashRonin (1:50:51 AM): Eff French Toast and French Fries
SlashRonin (1:51:00 AM): They're Freedom Fries and it's Freedom Toast, dammit
jkreepa85 (1:52:18 AM): hahahahaha
jkreepa85 (1:52:22 AM): goood one
